"It feels like they are every month" I said defensively

Monday

Always in my mind today was the prospect of the Management "Awayday" tomorrow.  You would think, with all the cutbacks, these jaunts would be cancelled, but apparently they are justified because the NGO's managers need to get away from the office to do their "blue sky thinking".  So all of today I was working on the presentation I am to give tomorrow.

When I arrived in the office Margaret from the Information Team made me a cup of tea.

The Information Team (eight people, some part-time) are delightful people.  They report to me mainly because when their mini-NGO folded no-one else would have them.  Now there are rumours that they are to be "cut", and as I am leaving the NGO myself at the end of the year there is a sense that we are all going down together.

Equal opportunities training was held in the Board Room, all managers having to attend either the morning or afternoon session.  I opted for the morning, although I really couldn't spare the time ("We can ALWAYS spare time for equal opportunities and diversity training" I was told sternly).  The training involved historical "examples" that were so inaccurate I was aghast, although I did not attempt to correct the trainer - I would only make myself a target.

Operations Director Ryan M was in my session - he limped in having hurt his foot playing football at the weekend (his shoe was off, and he rested his leg on a chair, grimacing frequently).  The trainer made the mistake of asking him what happened.  Ryan M became very agitated:  "The Captain gave the ref a mouthful... my wife was on the pitch... everyone else was on the pitch... the team will probably be banned... I got my picture on the local paper's website... my foot is a lovely colour, do you want to see it..." (at this point he removed his sock, disgusting half the people in the room and fascinating the other half).

When the training ended there was that brief period when everyone was milling about and talking.  PR Officer Josie S came into the room, ostensibly to talk to me about something "urgent" (but it was actually a totally unimportant matter).  Until recently she has been having an "affair" with Ryan M, but although he was sitting next to me, and she was standing so that she was almost touching him (and did touch him when she swayed slightly) he completely ignored her.

Josie S looked so miserable that I distracted her by talking very seriously about the issue she had brought up, and gently leading her from the room.

Later she said to me "It's all starting up again".  This was a ridiculous thing to say, since he couldn't have been more uninterested towards her.  Later still she said "I am almost certain to be hurt and crushed again".

Tuesday

The day of the Management Awayday.  I have been working on my presentation for the past few weeks, and felt a little nervous as I drove to the country house conference centre (absurd really, as I will soon be leaving the NGO behind me).  I was so early I drove into the local town as far as the classical war memorial, just to use up some time.

We gathered in a comfortable lounge, low club armchairs (fourteen of them) arranged in a circle.  The usual civil servant "stakeholder" unobtrusively watching us and taking notes.  Although most of us were in casual clothes Ryan M arrived in a suit, needing to go to an event in the evening. 

On the whole I found the day oppressive.

We started with the presentations from each department, and my presentation was well-received and got good responses (I suppose because it was short, implied action, and had several new ideas).  My boss, Tom D, unveiled the new marketing structure, with myself as the key manager (although I am leaving - perhaps he has not taken me seriously).  CEO Alec Pressberg insultingly asked me whether I could manage the combined marketing and research departments, and I was very tempted to be rude back, but I kept quiet.

During the lunchbreak I was with Ryan M and Preston (Innovation Manager) at the tiny bar.  It was a mistake to have joined them.  Ryan M became inebriated after only one drink (perhaps the effect of the strong pain-killers he was also taking) and started slurring his words and talking aggressively about other managers in the NGO (all of whom were within earshot). 

The afternoon was horribly tedious.  Ryan M was defiant in his presentation, and became quite yobbish towards some of the female managers.  Praise for my work rolled in from several directions, including Ryan M (do I want his friendship? - he seems difficult to shake off).

Wednesday

I was hoping that today would be quite relaxed, but actually I felt very stressed (and overlaying everything is the world economic gloom, despite the fact that we are supposed to be a "safe haven").

Arriving a little after nine, I had to park my car on the main road since the office car park was full.

The marketing meeting, chaired by Tom D was incomprehensible - he went through the new organisation but seemed to be making things up as he went along. 

Afterwards I asked for a meeting with Tom D and I asked him why the structure seemed to have changed yet again.  He blustered on about changes CEO Alec Pressberg wanted to make.  Although in theory the fact that I am leaving soon should make me less caring about what happens to the NGO, actually I find myself becoming more concerned about what will happen (since the department comprises nearly twenty people now, and none of them can rely on Tom D). 

The world economy is in dire trouble, and yet everyone seems unconcerned.  Perhaps we have managed to sidestep everything.  Perhaps we will be able to muddle through as usual.

Thursday

A photographer arrived from a regional magazine, and I had to quickly marshal a number of department heads to be photographed.

Later a meeting with Carmel, the Special Projects manager, to discuss marketing for her department.  She was very difficult.  Later she was difficult again about invoices, which led to several e-mails flying around the NGO. 

Friday

I was in the office early, before most other people, and Ryan M also came in, talking about his routine "Normally get up at quarter to six, rushing about making the tea, having a shower - normally I get shaved at night..."  I asked about his new kitten and he talked about his two dogs "We've had them since we were married... had them ten years... we don't have children..."

Later there was a big meeting of all the NGO's staff, crammed uncomfortably into the Board Room. 

I suggested having the meetings every six weeks instead of every month.

"They are every six weeks" several people told me in unison.

"Well it feels like they are every month" I said defensively, provoking a lot of laughter.

Later that night I watched Newsnight which included an item about an umemployed person living in a room in a hostel in the East End.  This feature has haunted me ever since.  And although I remind myself of all the assets I have (not least this house) I still cannot shake off the idea that I will end up like that myself.