An important function - part one

Cropped photograph of Carl Stockton (his practical help saved the day). He's an interesting person because he is someone in a state of transition (from uniformed operative to white collar Supervisor). He is obviously a natural leader. "Do you mind if I take your picture?" I asked him. "No, no, snap away." I will use the photograph in the company magazine (editing the magazine allows me to subtly endorse people I like and exclude people I dislike).

Working on the Marketing Plan over the last couple of weeks was such an exhausting and all-encompassing assignment that I rather neglected the other aspects of my job. In particular I ignored the fact that I had a big function to organise for Friday (yesterday). I suppose I just blocked it out of my mind while I concentrated on getting the Plan accepted by the Board (a logical strategy as if the Plan had been rejected I would probably not have got through my probation period, and thus nothing else would have mattered).

So on the drive to work on Monday morning my mind was filled with resolutions to get everything back on schedule. The invitations had gone out some weeks ago and I knew about seventy people had confirmed they were attending. In addition, the guest of honour (an incredibly boring local MP and former government minister) had agreed to attend, so the main elements of the day were in place and it was only really details that need to be addressed.

Almost immediately I arrived at my desk Managing Director Marc Bottoni wanted to tour the front offices (where the function was to be held) to see what preparations had been made. He was in a ratty mood and found fault with so many things that I barely had time to write each one down before he found something new to complain about. His Lancs accent as he spoke had a jeering sort of quality, as if he were pleased to find so little had been done (he is a notorious pessimist).

Despite my advice to Marc Bottoni on how to do PR properly (do only one thing at a time and do it well), he wanted to include a number of different elements to the day - opening the new Training Centre, awarding the Investors in People standard, announcing the Employee of the Year. The result was a confused set of objectives, with no overall theme. In addition, I began to feel that the pressure was being put on me to deliver a result.

“This company has never tended to employ experts” said Eric Morgan (IT Supervisor and company sneak). “Now we can see what a real PR professional can deliver.”

This riled me a little, since I have never claimed to be a PR expert, and have no real background in PR. Marketing is my expertise. But many people think marketing and PR are one and the same.

When I finally managed to escape from Marc Bottoni I went back to my desk where I found the brass plaque for the new Training Centre had arrived. This was a great relief since without a plaque there couldn’t really be a formal opening. Now all I had to do was get it screwed to the wall and a little set of curtains put up for the former government minister to open.

Marc Bottoni had told me that the Operations Supervisors would help me with any heavy work that needed doing. The Supervisors control the operative staff, and in theory have a large number of people they can allocate. In practice however, whenever I have asked for help in the past they have always been too busy.

Unenthusiastically I went down to Middle Floor East where three of the Supervisors are based (it’s a big general sales floor with Operations along one side). Here I experienced a stroke of luck. One of the Supervisors had broken his leg over the weekend, and Senior Driver Carl Stockton had been temporarily promoted to cover the post. Carl Stockton is someone who veers between outgoing friendliness and sullen non-cooperation (“He’s very proud” Rod Heydon once told me, “if you talk to him in the wrong way he’ll just walk away from you”). On Monday morning he was obviously so pleased to be promoted that he was over-brimming with goodwill. He was sat in one of the Supervisors’ big leather armchairs, leaning back with his hands behind head, still in his driver’s uniform (an impression of sinewy athleticism beneath the unflattering clothes).

I explained the situation and he couldn’t have been more helpful. I got the impression that the other Supervisors were covering for their injured colleague and Carl was just sitting around with not much to do. Anyway, we went back across the car park to the Front Offices where the function was to be held.

The Front Offices date from the 1970s and used to be the Head Office until the new office block was built. Now they house on the ground floor a very small business unit of the company plus the main Reception (because the Front Offices are along the road most visitors naturally go there first). The upstairs of the Front Offices comprises a very big long room plus three smaller rooms, and has recently been refurbished as the company’s new Training Centre. The long room is the main training room and is quite functional and modern. The three other rooms have been lavishly furnished with reproduction items bought from a retailer who had gone bankrupt, and resemble rooms in a private house - including a long case clock, glass-fronted yew veneer cabinets and even, incredibly, a baby grand piano (doesn’t work!). It was this upper floor that the former minister was to open as the new Training Centre.

I outlined to Carl Stockton everything that needed doing (putting up the plaque and curtains, painting big boards with the company’s logo and putting them up on the walls, rearranging the furniture, cleaning the whole block, cleaning the diesel stains from the front drive, putting a fitted carpet into the toilets (in case the former minister should need to relieve himself while in the Centre) etc etc etc. Carl went down to the Driver’s Rest Room (a smoky chamber at the end of the Front Offices) and came back with five operatives whom he set to work preparing for the event. Then he went out into the yard and set other men cleaning, sweeping and repairing (he really seemed to be enjoying his temporary role as Supervisor, and the power it gave him to issue orders).

With Carl Stockton taking charge of all the practical work, I only had to arrange the catering (easy, since the staff in the cafeteria could put on a buffet lunch) and arrange the media invitations. I went back to my desk and, breaking all the rules of good PR, wrote a catch-all press release and sent it out to about a hundred publications I got from BRAD (you should never do blanket press releases like this - every invitation should be tailored to a particular publication, but I simply didn’t have the time). I also sent the release to local television and radio stations.

Later in the day Marc Bottoni issue a group e-mail reminding everyone about the regulations designed to preserve the symmetry of the main office block - no windows on the front of the building should be opened, all the window blinds (composed of vertical strips) must be half-opened and angled left to right, no cars can be parked in the bays immediately adjacent to the entrance. The e-mail further instructed: no staff can leave their desks during the former Secretary of State’s tour. Later still he issued another e-mail (managers only) listing the names of MDs from other companies in the Group who would be attending the function (requiring me to increase the catering numbers).

“Blimey” said Malcolm Jeffery (one of the sales managers). “This is a real junket we’re putting on. The whole of Mount Olympus is coming here!”